Oh say, gentle maiden, may I be your lover Condemn me no longer to moan and to weep Struck down like a hawk, I lie wounded and bleeding Oh let down your drawbridge, I'll enter your keep Enter your keep nonie nonie, enter your keep nonie nonie Let down your drawbridge, I'll enter your keep Alas gentle errant, I am not a maiden I'm married to Sir Oswald, that cunning old Celt He's gone to wars for twelve months or longer And he's taken the key to my chastity belt Fear not gentle lady for I know a locksmith To his shop we will go, on his door we will knock And try to avail us of his technical knowledge And see if he's able to unpick your lock Alas sir and madam, to help I'm unable My technical knowledge is to no avail I can't find the secret to your combination For the cunning old baron (bastard) has fitted a Yale I come from the wars with dire news of disaster A terrible mishap I have to confide As my ship was a passing the Straits of Gibraltar I carelessly dropped the key over the side Alas and alack I am locked up forever Then up spoke the page boy "Leave it to me" If you will allow me to enter your chamber I'll open it up with me duplicate key

An old man came courting me, hey ding dooram da An old man came courting me, me being young An old man came courting me, fain would he marry me Maid, when you're young never wed an old man Because he's got no falorum, fi-didle eye-oorum He's got no falorum, fi-didle eye day He's got no falorum, he's lost his ting-torum Oh Maid When You're Young, Never Wed An Old Man When we went to church, he left me in the lurch When we went to bed, he lay like he was dead I three my leg over him, damn nearly smothered him When he went to sleep, out of bed I did creep Into the arms of a much younger man And I found his falorum, fi-didle eye-oorum I found his faloorum, fadidle all day I found his falorum, he found my Ting-torum !!! So maid when you're young never wed an old man

She was a broad-beamed, bouncy, beautiful, brown as a berry bumpkin belle from Barnstable. In love with the constable. A flat footed, bing booted, broad chested, ham fisted, constable, in Barnstable, And together they would sport and play, And chase each other through the hay, ay, ay, ay fields She said "don't you dare, You dirty dashing devil don't you dare, chase me there" And he cavorting, snarling, snorting, heaving, peeping at her underwear The devil may care. "I'm an ordinary country girl and you set my heart in a whirl. With your whiskery face and the strap under your chin You're a regular disgrace, I think I'm ready to give in." "No I've got me job to do, I've got to be off to wash and scrub the floors of a toff in Barnstable. He's very amenable. He pats me bottom ever so wary he says my dear I think you're very suitable, in Barnstable. But his lady wife is not so keen, she says I should be heard not seen there. That's ever since she caught her spouse, Chasing me with his trousers down in the east wing, "most embarrassing." And then there was the night she found him lying in wait in the cupboard in the west wing "Most embarrassing." And she never will forget the day, when she overheard him say "I'd forfeit all me titles if only she'd give in, She's torturing me vitals I think I'm ready for a gin." Well what are we going to do with her, she's setting everyone's heart a stir in Barnstable. Especially the constable. The fireman's going off his head, and the baker's he puts nails in the bread for the constable, in Barnstable. Whenever she passes by, Everybody stops to sigh and stare. Now the vicar's in a hell of a stew, He can't take his eye off a certain pew in evensong, ding dong. The choir boys forget to sing and the deacon he forgets to ring the ding dong, At evensong. And they never will forget the day, when the vicar knelt down to pray. "Thy kingdom come on earth below, thy will be done within Thy kingdom's in the second row oh Lord please let me in." Well alas this jolly state of affairs was just too much for the women to bear in Barnstable. Most regrettable. The women's institute they avowed "The likes of her should be expelled from Barnstable, Most regrettable." And so it was upon that day, the constable he took her away from there. And off they went together on their bicycles through the heather, to another town, Where they can settle down. And he can join the constabulary and she could raise a family in another town. Where they could settle down. And I have often heard it say that to this very day. Once a year in Barnstable a strange event takes place, The men all leave their wives bedside and the vicar forgets his grace. And off they go into the night, and when they return in the morning light, It takes their wives a year to wipe the smile from off their face. !!

He was a blacksmith by trade; he used to live on his own. She was a little old maid; she was all gristle and bone, Just a crone that you might not have fancied yourself; She was not born to attract. She was lined up for the shelf If it were not for the fact the blacksmith loved her well, He loved her like hell. He used to grunt and sigh, fit to die. But from afar; for he was shy, as blacksmiths often are. She made a meagre livelihood from her home-made toffee that she'd sell Up and down the neighbourhood to a butterscotch and caramel clientele. And optimistically, she used to think that she would get a husband yet. She was far too modest to wink, to proud to be coquette - You bet! 'Cos she'd got a squint, she was skinny, she was skint. It never seemed that she, so palpably bizarre and banal, Could ever be a femme fatale. Time has no time to spare and the years went by, as they must. The spinster shivered with despair and the blacksmith sweated with lust, fit to bust. Until one day she went into the church, her simple heart to unclose: "Lord, don't leave me in the lurch. Don't turn up your nose. God knows I'm not much cop but my legs go up to the top. Oh tell me why you've passed me by. And, if you can, dear Lord on high, get me a man!" She, she was in for a shock, for high in the tower like a bird The smith was mending the clock, and he had overheard every word. He nearly fell off his perch with delight! But, stout fellow, he kept his head; He didn't snigger as a lot of men might but in the tones of Jehovah instead He said: "You're not bereft. There's a good lad left. He's nothing flash but still reliable, staunch and true. Dear daughter will, will a blacksmith do?" The spinster's eyes opened wide when she heard the Almighty One. In a trembling voice she replied, "Lord, any man is better than none". Whereupon the joyous blacksmith went home at the trot, Dressed up to kill in a tick. Went and asked her if she'd have him or not And she said yes damn quick, because she knew her state. It's daft to wait When love is overdue; to miss your cue, delay or demur In answer to a little cri de coeur. This is as much of a romance as all of the others that you get - And not so much a song and a dance as your Romeo & Juliet; nor as wet. Because their love didn't go to their head. No call to go berserk. The spinster went up to bed and the blacksmith went to work. Don't smirk! Such loves are few; they were happy, they were true; They knew their hearts' desires. As love requires, with some deceits, He used his fires to boil up her sweets.

Disease Song Syphilis! How the hell did I get this? Cuts like razors when I take a piss. Oh I believe in Syphilis. Suddenly, I'm diagnosed with HIV From copulating with a chimpanzee. Oh STD came suddenly. Is there something wrong? I don't know, they wouldn't say. Oh, I feel so ill. How I long to be OK. Leprosy! I'm only half the man I used to be. Another bit has fallen off of me. Oh I believe in Leprosy. Dysentery! I think I've had a lobotomy! Feels like the world has just dropped out of me. Oh I believe in Dysentery. Could be something's wrong. I don't know, they wouldn't say. Now I feel so ill. How I long to be OK. Colds and 'flu! What am I supposed to do? They say I've got it 'cause I went "Ahchoo!" Oh I believe in colds and 'flu. Gonorrhoea! It all started with a queer. Now green stuff's dripping out of here. Oh I believe in Gonorrhoea. Is there something wrong? I don't know, they wouldn't say. Oh, I feel so ill. How I long to be OK.

EARWIG O (Les Barker) Little Mrs Earwig, she had a little son. She called the baby Earwig A, for he was number one. The second she called Earwig B. Earwig C came next. D and E soon followed, then F as you'd expect. G and H were subsequent. I and J came then. K, L and M were triplets, but who followed Earwig N? Earwig O .. In the Insects league cup final, he gave the crowd a treat. He gave the stick insects some stick. Earwig O could not be beat-o. His first goal was a header, and his second sewed it up. His third made it a hat-trick. Epsom Earwigs won the cup! All the grasshoppers were chanting, all the spiders hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand in hand, As they sung the Earwig anthem, and it echoed round the stand: Earwig O Little Mrs Earwig, I wonder if you know That your fifteenth little offspring is the famous Earwig O? "Earwig O" they sing at Wembley, "Earwig O" at White Hart Lane, At the Oval, and Old Trafford, "Earwig O Wig O" again. "Earwig O" they chant at Chelsea, and the Royal Albert Hall. Some talk of Alexander Beetle, but the greatest of them all... Earwig O Little Mrs Earwig, does it fill your heart with joy? When they sing about your son-o, do you whisper "That's my boy"? Earwig O, Earwig O, Earwig O

No kinds of flowers ever seem to grow In my English country garden Here are some unlikely reasons that I know Which I hope you'll truly pardon Thistles in the flowerbed, sparrow droppings on the shed Stick to the walls and harden Oh, why do the weeds all propagate their seeds In my English country garden (I had a look at an illustrated book Showing every garden creature But I've got a few too horrible to view That the author dared not feature Anaconda centipedes, Kamikaze bumble bees, Even a vampire robin It takes a gun not a spray to keep the pests at bay In my English country garden.) I don't believe that Adam and Eve Would choose England for their garden, I'll venture that they'd have swapped it for a flat, If the Pope will truly pardon. When Adam and the serpent met Adam took it for a pet, Serpents can be domesticated yet, But they'd never see the Beatles that have been In my English country garden. Oh how I feel thatI shall never be A vegetable grower So I've decided what I will do, And to hell with Percy Thrower Get a ton of broken bricks, and get some ready mix, Spread it and let it harden I contemplate a concrete estate Not an English country garden.

Now if you want to take some pictures of the fascinating witches who put the scintilating stiches in the britches of the boys who put the powder on the noses on the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus You're too late! Because they've just passed by

I hold your hand in mine dear I press it to my lips I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips My joy would be complete dear If you were only here But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir The night you died I cut it off I really don't know why For now each time I kiss it I get blood stains on my tie I'm sorry now I killed you For our love was something fine Until they come to get me, I Shall hold your hand in mine

The Merry Minuet They’re rioting in Africa, they’re starving in Spain. There’s hurricanes in Florida, and Texas needs rain. The whole world is festering with unhappy souls. The French hate the Germans, the Germans hate the Poles. Italians hate Yugoslavs, South Africans hate the Dutch. And I don’t like anybody very much! * But we can be tranquil, and thankful, and proud, For mans’ been endowed with a mushroom-shaped cloud. And we know for certain that some lovely day Someone will set the spark off, and we will all be blown away. * They’re rioting in Africa, there’s strife in Iran. What nature doesn’t do to us, will be done by our fellow man.

Oh, Sister Josephine, What do all these policemen mean By coming to the convent in a grim limousine After Sister Josephine? While you, Sister Josephine, You sit with your boots up on the altar screen. You smoke one last cigar. What a funny nun you are! The policemen say that Josephine's a burglar in disguise, Big bad Norman - fifteen years on the run. The sisters disbelieve it: No, that can't be Josephine; Just think about her tenderness towards the younger nuns. Oh, Sister Josephine, They're searching the chapel where you've been seen, The nooks and the crannies of the nun's canteen After Sister Josephine. While you, Sister Josephine, You sip one farewell Benedictine Before your au revoir. A right funny nun you are! Admittedly her hands are big and hairy And embellished with a curious tattoo. Admittedly her voice is on the deep side, And she seems to shave more often than the other sisters do. Oh, Sister Josephine, Founder of the convent pontoon team, They're looking through your bundles of rare magazines After Sister Josephine. While you, Sister Josephine, You give a goodbye sniff of benzedrine To the convent budgerigar. A bloody funny nun you are! No longer will her snores ring through the chapel during prayers, Nor her lustful moanings fill the stilly night. No more empty bottles of altar wine come clunking from her cell. No longer will the cloister toilet seat stand upright. Oh, Sister Josephine, Slipping through their fingers like Vaseline, Leaving them to clutch your empty crinoline After Sister Josephine. While you, Sister Josephine, Sprinting through the suburbs when last seen Dressed only in your wimple and your rosary. A right funny nun you seem to be!

We looked for the Sloop John A; We looked for it all day; Round Nassau Town we did roam, A man on the pier, Said it wasn't here; We didn't find it, And then we went home. cho: Where can the John A be? Maybe the A's at sea; We had a good look round, Then we went home. Then we went home, We had to go home. We didn't find it And then we went home. The first mate was not there, Maybe he was elsewhere; Maybe he was on board the Sloop John A; Wherever he was, We didn't meet him because We didn't find it, And then we went home. cho: The day was a non-event, It seemed the A had went; Then they told us that there's another called B. B was OK; I had my heart set on A; We didn't find it, And then we went home.

As I went down a shady lane, at a door I chanced to knock "Have you any pots or kettles, with rusty holes to block?" "Well indeed I have, don't you know I have To me right fol-ooral-addy, well indeed I have" The misses came out to the door and she asked me to come in "You're welcome jolly tinker and I hope you brought your tin" "Well indeed I did, don't you know I did To me right fol-ooral-addy, well indeed I did" She took me through the kitchen and she led me through the hall And the servants cried "The devil, has he come to block us all "Well indeed I have, don't you know I have To me right fol-ooral-addy, well indeed I have" She took me up the stairs, me lads, to show me what to do Then she fell on the feathery bed and I fell on it too "Well indeed I did, don't you know I did To me right fol-ooral-addy, well indeed I did" She then took out a frying pan and she began to knock For to let the servants know, me lads, that I was at my work "Well indeed I was, don't you know I was To me right fol-ooral-addy, well indeed I was" She put her hand into her pocket and she pulled out twenty pounds "Take that my jolly tinker and we'll have another round" "Well, indeed we will, don't you know we will To me right fol-ooral-addy, well indeed we will" Well, I've been a jolly tinker for these forty years or more But such a lovely job as that, I never did before Well, indeed I didn't, don't you know I didn't... To me right fol-ooral-addy, well indeed I didn't"

There once was a very, very holy Vicar Who was walking along the street one day When he heard a little voice saying excuse me Vicar Oh help me Vicar the voice did say The Vicar looked about but all he could see Was a tiny little frog sitting on the ground Oh my dear little froggie did you speak to me Was it you who spoke when I heard that sound Oh yes said the frog oh help me Vicar Cause I am not a frog you see I'm a choirboy really but a very wicked fairy put a nasty spell on me The only way that I can be saved From this wicked spell the little frog said Is for someone to take me and put in a place Where a very holy man has laid his head So the Vicar took him and put him on his pillow And there he lay till the break of day The very next morning a blessed miracle The spell was lifted I'm glad to say For there was a choirboy in bed with the Vicar And I hope you think this all makes sense Because my Lord and members of the Jury Rests the case for the defense

Lookin' for my wallet and my car keys Well, they can't have gone too far As soon as I find my glasses I'm sure I'll see just where they are Supposed to meet someone For lunch today I just can't remember where Or who it is I am meeting It's in my organizer somewhere I think I left it on the counter Or maybe outside in the car Last time I remember driving Was to that memory enhancement seminar What's that far-off distant ringing In that strangely familiar tone Must be the person I am meeting Calling on my brand new cordless phone I think I left it under the covers Or maybe outside on the lawn Now I've got just one more ring to go Before my phone machine goes on "Hi, this is Tom And your call means a lot to me Leave a message at the tone And I will do my best to remember To call you back when I get home" (beep) "Tom, this is Carol And I am trying not to cry But I've been waiting here for over an hour I thought you loved me, this is good-bye!" Well the voice it sounds familiar And the name it rings a bell and the name it rings a bell Let's see now where was I ... Oh,well Lookin' for my wallet and my car keys Well, they can't have gone too far As soon as I find my glasses I'm sure I'll see just where they are

The earth it was damp with the dew of the dawn, And sweet scented air spread over the lawn, A handsome young worm popped out from the ground, Looking up from his hole, he gazed all around. Just then as he stared at the sun in the sky, Another little worm popped up quite nearby, Said the first with a squiggle, “You’re a trim little worm, Why not wriggle out here and we'll go for a squirm?” “If you'd only agree to a brief rendezvous, I would love to surrender my heart just for you, I would build you a home and I'd treat you with care, And happy we'd be as the birds in the air!” Then the trim little worm gave a shake of its head, As it sadly replied, “I would love to be wed, But I fear we can't marry, though I know you'd be true, For you see Mr. Worm, I'm the other end of you!”

A dragon has come to our village today We have asked him to leave, but he won't go away Now he's met with our king, and they've made out a deal No homes will he burn, and no crops will he steal Now there is but one catch, we dislike it a bunch Twice a year he invites him a virgin to lunch We have no other choice, so the deal we'll respect We can't help but wonder and pause to reflect Do virgins taste better than those who are not? Are they salty or sweet or more juicy or what? Do you savor them slowly, gulp them down on the spot? Do virgins taste better than those who are not? Now we'd like to be ridyou, and many have tried. But no one can get through your thick scaly hide. We hope that some day, some brave knight will come by. 'Cause we can't wait around 'til you're too fat to fly. Now you have such good taste in your women for sure They always are pretty, always are pure But you're notion of dining it makes us all flinch You're favorite entree is barbecued wench (mine too!) Do virgins taste better than those who are not? Now I found a solution, it works out so neat If you insist on nothing but virgins to eat No more will our number ever grow small We'll simply make sure there's no virgins at all Do virgins taste better than those who are not? Are they salty or sweet or more juicy or what? Do you savor them slowly, gulp them down on the spot? Do virgins taste better than those who are not?

"I heard there was a secret chord That Data played and it pleased the Borg." But you don't really care for androids, do ya." "It goes like this, the Borg, the Sith, The crossover movie and the budget shift and a baffled fandom crying Hallelujah"